Tonight I looked back on this blog. I looked back to get information for the baby book I am just now filling out for my 16 month old son. (Slacker mom of the year, I know) I looked back to be reminded of his happy moments, milestones, and pictures. ( The whole 2 months I recorded.) I looked back for joy, and instead was slapped in the face by my anguish.
The last blog I wrote was on anguish and joy. I wrote it during what I thought were some of my hardest days- days of uncertainty and fear. I wrote it on January 25th, and less than 2 months later- I lost my mom.
Writing has always been somewhat cathartic for me. I'm not someone who can write well or even correctly. I'm also not someone who can write off the top of my head. The last time I wrote in this blog, a friend sent me a text about it and my response was that I apparently can only write while in super emotional states.
To say that I am in a super emotional state right now would be the understatement on the year. To say that I am wrecked- a mess would be almost close to covering it. So it would make sense that writing should bring me some sort of peace or calm, but instead I have avoided writing like the plague. (Its even one of my assignments for my grief counseling- whoops!)
I have avoided it for all kinds of reasons like- fear of being judged. Grief is this funny tightrope. I spend half of my time worrying that if I am a crying mess, I will alienate those closest to me and people will tire of my dramatics, and the other half worrying that if I smile or laugh too much people will wonder how I could forget so soon. I know this is all crazy, but so is grief.
I think another reason is because the state I am is so personal and vulnerable and messy. To be honest, another reason is blogger drives me nuts.
But I think the main reason is because it hurts.
I hurt. My heart hurts, and writing about how much I hurt- hurts.
But I'm slowly learning, that avoiding the hurt doesn't make it go away.