Monday, August 6, 2012


Ever have one of those church sermons where you are pretty sure there have been cameras in your house monitoring your every move so your pastor can find a good topic? Like he is zeroing in on your forehead the entire time? Last night was that for me, but here is what generally happens. I generally think, "Wow, this is exactly what I needed to hear." I think about it and talk about it with Ryan on the way home, but then we get home and life happens and babies need to be fed and husbands apparently need clean pants in order to go to work, and I forget. I forget the feelings that stirred up inside of me as I sat and listened. I forget all of the things I wanted to remember, and life goes on. It goes on unchanged. So this is my attempt at not forgetting, at actually processing past the pew...chair.

Lately I have felt....restless, unsatisfied, and insecure. This confuses me because I am doing exactly what I have always wanted to do, my husband loves me despite myself, I have amazing friends who truly care, and we are comfortable in our home and with our life. But I haven't been able to shake these feelings.  I have been thinking that maybe it is my lack of a 'job' to identify myself with or maybe living in a town with so much wealth makes me constantly crave more or different or maybe just being a silly girl in general. So, I do what any other crazy person in my situation would do, I jam pack my schedule with anything and everything I can find. I think that the answer must lie in this- clearly I am just not BUSY enough. Genius, right?! Well that didn't work so then I think surely if I have enough friends or if people like me enough, then I will feel better. So, I begin second guessing my conversations, over- analyzing everything, and trying to be the biggest people pleaser in America. Go figure, this hasn't worked either ( and has probably made me more annoying to the people around me in the first place!) So, then I talk myself into medicating myself with things. Maybe if I had more 'brands' or if I didn't drive my old, rusty car from high school- or if I actually put some effort into getting dressed or could carry off a trend to save my life. Yes, this must be the answer, but instead it is just one more car on the Crazy Train that is headed absolutely nowhere.

So obviously I have been stuck on this, panting and huffing, trying to keep up,  and I am tired.

Thank God (Literally!) for my divine appointment yesterday.

Identity. Mine's pretty jacked. First, our pastor asked who we found our identity in, the CREATOR or the CREATED? Well, well, well.....

Then he defined a Misplaced Focus as basing our identity on what we DO, what we OWN, or who we KNOW. Well, duh, Beth.

He obviously had many more points to go along with this sermon, but for me this was it. This was the ticket I had paid to get on my Crazy Train. I am spending so much time worshiping what the created thinks of me that I am willing to seek my identity in these things rather than Him. To make matters worse, I actually care more about what these things say about me that I do what He says.

 He also made the point that until we learn who we are in Him and accept it - we will never be satisfied. So its not going to matter how crafty I try to be, or how nice I am to my friends, or how funny I am, or what kinds of mom I am to Owen, or wife to Ryan, or how well I deal with my mom's cancer, or how much stuff I have. Most of these things are certainly not bad things, not things I should not want to be necessarily. But they should NOT be my focus. They should not be the end all when it comes to who I am. Putting my focus on these 'good' things will leave me on the Crazy Train and I am ready to GET OFF!

(And you want to know the kicker of all of it? Pretty sure I already am putting all of this onto my child. My sweet baby 7 month old! I already see myself misplacing my how I focus on his identity, wanting to get caught up in the things he does or has or how he acts instead of pleading to the Lord that he looks to HIM for his identity. PUKE.)

He finished off the sermon with an amazing list of who we are in Christ. Things he said we need to DECIDE to believe. Things I need to reflect on and remind myself of DAILY. ( Who am I kidding, probably HOURLY!) Things that I need to set my heart and eyes on.

Ok, there is my emotional spew for today. I'm not even going to act like I may blog more often or make excuses for my poor grammer skills. Ha!